why do old people drive slow they barely have any time left like GOOOOO ur dying
(via grade-a-memo)
everybody wants morgan freeman to narrate their life but I want five sassy singing lady muses
(via infamous-secret)
when you wake up from a particularly disturbing dream and just stare at the ceiling for a while like what crevice of my mind did that even seep from
(via neyopets)
life rules
- you are never as awkward as you think you are
- you are never as annoying as you think you are
- you are never as boring as you think you are
- your compliments are never as creepy as you think they are
- you are way more wanted than you give yourself credit for
- chin up, dude
(via neyopets)
when I was in year 7 I was really weird and I had a massive crush on this boy and I said one day to a friend ‘i want to pee in his toilet’ and then a year later I was dating the same boy I had a crush on and I needed the toilet so I peed in his toilet and I only just remembered this so the moral or the story is dreams do come true
(via neyopets)
The only father I’m celebrating today with is my sugar daddy
you are 14
Starting young so I can live a fine and fresh life
(via neyopets)
how the fuck does Rapunzel keep all that hair so damn nice and untangled she gotta hook a sister up with whatever products shes using bc i could be sitting in the same spot not moving for 5 hours and end up with half my hair all up in knots
(via neyopets)
my dad accidentally butt-dialed me while on a date with my mum
they have the weirdest fucking conversations omfg
important edit: NEVER MIND THEY STARTED TALKING SMACK ABOUT ME. WHAT BITCHES. THEY SAID I EAT ALL OF THE COCOA PUFFS WHENEVER WE GET THEM.
WELL, SAY GOOD BYE TO ALL OF YOUR COCOA PUFFS NOW YOU CUNTS.
(via fatpeoplemakemehappy)
whenever i use only one exclamation point i feel like a middle-aged dad who just discovered the internet!
(via neyopets)